My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
