I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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