So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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