just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
