On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
