I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
