I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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