i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
