I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
