Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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