Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
This is my gift to your gina
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
