my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
