I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
