Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
