I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
