Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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