I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
