I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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