Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
