I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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