somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
