Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
not ubering you a puppy
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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