thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
