i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
