Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
