im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
