I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
