i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
