I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
