peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
