get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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