Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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