All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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