There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
