I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
