He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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