I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
