I wish I could teleport
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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