I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
