saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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