Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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