i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
