My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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