I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
