I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
