yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
