the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
