I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
