Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
it glows. i had to have it.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
