and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
