I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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